Keys to a Successful Relationship    The 5 tips to Rekindle Romance By Dr. Marcy Cole 1-  FROM MERGER TO INTEGRATION          •   MAKE ROOM FOR "I":  Remember the movie Jerry McGuire when last line was “You complete me” and everyone thought that was so romantic?  Well…upon reflection …not really.  It is actually dis-empowering to you and to your relationship to relegate being “whole” to needing to have a partner.   Rather, it’s about being connected AND separate.   It is from this place we connect with our inner source of love within, allowing for greater flow to share with our lover.   Our partnership then enhances our life versus defining it.          •  MAKE ROOM FOR "WE":Integration is also about transitioning from being totally self focused into making room for partnership that requires loving consideration on a daily basis.  It's about creating a win/win formula to living a wonderful life together.   It's an inter-dependent dance versus what is often referred to as a "co-dependent" one.          •  ALLOW ROOM FOR GROWTH: Nothing is static in life.   Everything changes.  So we must allow room for Personal, Partner and Collective Growth with our partners.  Sometimes communication can become stagnant or we feel stuck while our partner is soaring, or we are fixed in how we see them.   To fully integrate,  anticipation and support for a fluid personal and collective growth process into our relationship is essential for optimal happiness together.   2-  FROM NEGLECT TO NURTURING              •  "I CHOOSE US": After the infatuation wears off,  many of us know what it feels like to start focusing on the disappointments and "sweating the small stuff".  I recently had a couple I was working with who did not speak for days after arguing about whether to wash the peaches before or after you put them in the refrigerator!  Of course it was not about the peaches.   They were newly married and were still carrying a lot of fear around the perceived loss of independence and control.  Every time they were starting to focus on sweating the small stuff, I had them affirm to themselves and one another...."I choose us"...and it worked beautifully for them.  Try it and you'll see how quickly it can transform where you put your attention and priorities,  allowing for a quality of consistent connection that bears so much more joy.           •   FOCUS ON HAVES versus Have Nots: As my friend Christiane Schull stays, "Energy goes, where energy flows".  Focus on what you have and it will expand.  Remember why you fell in love... Why you chose your beloved.   What happens when you praise a child for good behavior?  They repeat the behavior because it feels good to you and that good feeling gets transmitted to them.  Then Remind them of the why you love them.   Love is a feeling, but being in love is a feeling we have about the person AND the relationship.  It needs to be nurtured and revitalized to keep romance alive and evolving through time. I remind the couples I work with repeatedly to share with one another.....OVER AND OVER.....what they love and appreciate in one other.   Just because you think he or she "knows how I feel about him/her" or just because you've said it before....say it again....and bear witness to being present again to the love you share.         •  FROM ROUTINE TO RE-KINDLING:  My husband calls them "Small Graces"...the little ways we show kindness, respect, admiration, and consideration for one another.  If you want to get back to the juice in your relationship, focus on and give and receive these small graces every day.    What do you know that makes your partner feel seen and loved?  Whether it's flowers, a card "just because", a massage, a brief sqeeze/kiss/look in the eye, doing an errand just for them, calling just to tell them you love them, surprises, a candle lit dinner, or anything else under the sun...do it...they'll be so happy you did and so will you.    On the flip side, call in your receiving energy, so that you can openly, gracefully and joyfully receive their grace notes to you as well.  In doing so, you are nourished and give back to them the joy of giving. 3-  FROM KEEPING SCORE TO GIVING MORE  A friend of mine many years ago lost his 32 year old wife, Katie, to cancer.  They had an 8 year wonderful relationship with a 2 year old son.   At her funeral a women came up to him and shared that she had lunch with Katie months before and asked, "What is the secret of your amazing marriage?"  Kate replied, "I give to him without expecting anything in return......and I just so happened to have met my match. He loves me back the same way."  Taking on the role of martyr by always giving and requiring nothing in return is not the answer.   But when you have 2 people loving and giving from a place of pure love and no other....magic happens.        •  "BE THE CHANGE you want to see in the world"   If you want more "something" in a relationship, start with giving what you want to receive.  If you want more patience, be patient.  If you want more affection....express your love more demonstratively. Watch what happens. You'll be glad you did. 4- FROM HURTING TO HEALING   Good partnership offers a mirror for personal growth.  After all, who knows us better than who we live with?  Dr. Michael Beckwith at Agape International Spiritual Center in Los Angeles, shared a sermon this year entitled  "Don't waste a good crisis".    When there is conflict, which is inevitable in most relationships, there is so much that you can use for your individual and collective advantage.  Every perceived "problem" is a wonderful opportunity for growth and break through if you choose to use it.         • FROM COMPLAINING TO COMMUNICATING When we push down feelings, what we resist persists.  What we bottle it up will blow eventually.  It comes out in all sorts of ways:  somatic problems in the body, depression, or acting out in ways that sound demanding, nagging, or provocative toward out partner.   Only direct communication can successfully break this cycle.   Try this very effective exercise when experiencing conflict with your partner:   Each person talks at a time, answering the central question "What was your experience"?   The idea isn't for one to convince the other that he/she is "right".   It's about fixing the problem, not the blame.  That requires active listening which is about hearing what the person you love experienced.  You don't have to agree with their perceptions to empathize with them.   Soft eyes appear, and compassion reconnects us.   Your ability to see and feel from your beloved's perspective, and he to yours, is very powerful.  It builds greater trust that you can confront an initially challenging situation together and get to a higher ground of profound healing        •    TAKING OWNERSHIP:                                                                          •  Self Directed versus Other directed:  This involves our power to make ourselves whole and happy, rather than holding others responsible for that.  Whenever you hear yourself saying "You are making me miserable"  "It is your fault because....".....these are clues that you detoured from the inter-dependent track onto a co-dependent one.  There is a difference between healthy reliance and debilitating dependence.  Part of intimacy is knowing that we will have emotional reactions with one another and that there are times when we will rely on each other.   But there is a very large line between that reality and depending on your partner to "make you happy"!                   • The Art of Apology & Power of Forgiveness: This is about our capacity for self reflection and the ability to release resentments or any desire for retribution.   When we can look our beloved in the eyes with a genuine expression of apology and/or forgiveness, it builds a strong foundation made up of deep trust, understanding and resiliency.  5- FROM BUBBLE TO BIG PICTURE:    There is a Kabbalistic teaching that when relationships are linear, their focus is on the energy between them going back and forth.  This often creates stagnation, boredom, and a desire for outside distractions.  The teaching suggests that partnering with a higher level of consciousness means that we understand that this union is not just "about us".   Enlightened and strong partnership utilizes the relationship to be in service for the greater good.  Instead of the exclusive focus on two individuals, the "union" includes connection to "Light of the Creator".   This enhances the foundation of each individual, strengthening the couple's bond, while empowering this partnership to spread it's good will to others.  Thus, the partnership becomes a vibrant participant dedicated to the wellbeing of all living things.   This merging with the most supreme source of light and love, nourishes both individuals and brings them home...rekindling the divine spark that brought them together in the first place.

Dr. Marcy Cole (LCSW, PhD) brings a wealth of energy and spirited intuition to Wheel of Wellbeing’s joint approach to Holistic health with her expertise in psychotherapy.  She obtained her B.S. from Northwestern University and her Masters in Licensed Clinical Social Work (LCSW) from Loyola University in Chicago, Ill. Shortly after she received her PhD from The Institute in Chicago for Clinical Social Work, Marcy was working in both in-patient and out-patient settings.   A practicing Psychotherapist for more than 18 years, Dr. Cole, sees individual adolescents, adults, couples & families.  She focuses on integrating traditional and holistic modalities, with the ultimate goal of aligning mind, body & spirit.  Dr. Cole uses this approach to support her clients in discovering their truest potential, thus finding a greater sense of clarity, vitality and joy in living their best life. Marcy is also the Founder and Executive Director of First Tuesday USA, a national organization dedicated to creating a sense of “community” with extraordinary women, through social connectivity, professional networking and social service.   She currently is the  Coordinator for the chapter in Los Angeles.